I’ve Always Wondered….

Just to show that my writing isn’t always serious and spiritual, I’ve produced a blog post that is a motley assortment of odd questions and observations.

Why do some gas pumps emit an annoying repetitive beeping?
Today, many gas pumps beep repetitively while you are inserting your credit card and answering random questions on the computerized screen like, “How strong was your coffee this morning? I can smell it on your breath.” The beeping has no conceivable purpose except to add to the racket of an already too noisy world.  Maybe it’s for blind customers. They can know they are actually parked at a gas pump and not at a McDonalds’ drive-in window. Oh, wait, I guess blind people really shouldn’t be driving.

What is meant by the charge of, “forcible rape?”  
Sorry. I know this is a grim one but this term always makes me scratch my head.Is this an example of legal or criminal redundancy or simply an indication that our justice system doesn’t know the definitions of the crimes it prosecutes (Scary thought)?  Let’s think about it.  Rape, by its very definition is forcible or it wouldn’t be rape, it would be consensual sex. Hmmm.

If the universe is expanding, what is beyond it?  
Hopefully a world where desserts are good for you and brussels sprouts and lima beans are junk food.

What do dangerous intersections and raw cookie dough have in common?  
Cookie dough: Germaphobic scientists are screaming that we shouldn’t eat cookie dough due to the raw eggs in it. I’ve even heard talk of passing a law that makes it illegal to sell homemade cookies (such as at fundraisers) due to the “potential” for serious illness from the “less than sanitary” conditions in the kitchens in which they were created.

Dangerous Intersections: The powers that be sometimes refuse to put traffic lights at hazardous intersections until there have been enough accidents to prove the spots have a potential for major dismemberment and death.

First, I have never heard of anyone getting sick from eating raw cookie dough or consuming homemade cookies made in a “dirty” kitchen. Instead, I’ll bet their immune systems were toughened up by all those “horrible” germs rather than being coddled by anti-bacterial this and that until their resistance was so weak they picked up every cold that came along and fell prey to multiple allergies.

Second, in regards to the dangerous intersections, the potential for fatal accidents is a much bigger deal and more likely than the potential for salmonella poisoning from raw eggs. Money is involved in the former issue, (state or township having to spend funds to put up the traffic light or all-ways stop signs). So I strongly suspect this is another example of dollars being more important than human lives.

By the way, if you dug the chocolate chip cookie dough bits out of the ice cream and baked them, would you get good cookies?  And does the frozen state of the ice cream render the nasty bacteria harmless?

Why do the height measurement indicators on doors leading from banks and convenience stores go below five feet?
Are they expecting a midget to rob them?  

The scenario could go something like this—with all due apologies to short people—I had a beloved aunt who was 4’ 9”.

Robber: Hey lady, give me all your money.

Bank Teller: (puzzled and looking all around) Excuse me? Where are you?

Robber: (irritated)  I’m down here. Now give me all your cash. I’ve got a gun.

Bank Teller: What? Oh my. B-but that gun is bigger than you are.

Robber: So what? I still know how to shoot. Now are you going to give me your cash or not?

At this point, the robbery is interrupted  when a 5’ 11” male customer takes the would-be robber completely by surprise by snatching him up and tucking him under one arm.  The robber is so startled, he drops the gun.Our hero kicks it away, gets his name in the paper, praise from the mayor and an adoring gaze from the beleaguered bank teller.

Why has no one ever invented….

•The Jogamower  This run behind mower run at speeds up to 15 mph. Cut your grass and stay in shape at the same time. In addition, the two halves of its divided handle are designed to move in opposite directions at varying degrees of resistance so you can exercise your arms at the same time.  Happy mowing!

•The Sleep Slapper Hat
Want a non-caffeinated approach to staying awake behind the wheel? Just put on the Sleep Slapper hat with its hard plastic, hand shaped slappers, and turn on. The plastic hands will alternately slap each cheek to keep you from nodding off and causing a potentially fatal accident. The force of the slaps can be adjusted. And by simply flipping a switch, a mild, repetitive electrical shock can be delivered to the user in the case of especially stubborn drowsiness. Runs on two C batteries.

If you mated the following dogs, what would you get and what would you name the new breed?

1. A Russian Wolfhound (the biggest dog around) and a Mexican hairless (no explanation necessary).

You’d get a bi-lingual Wolfhound who barks and whines in Russian and Spanish or a bald Communist who calls all his fellow mutts, “Comrade.”

2. And English Sheepdog and a Doberman Pinscher  

How about an English Pinscher which sounds like it could belong to an otherwise sophisticated British aristocrat who has an annoying habit of goosing people.

3.  And English Bulldog and a Collie

    You might end up with a really ugly collie. Could you call it a bullie?


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