Important Reviews on Tarzan 2013 by Constantin Films

 

SPOILER ALERT!  Reading these reviews will pretty much give away the storyline. But watch the flick anyway. It has some suspenseful moments and some interesting characters. Not the least of which is, you guessed it, Tarzan.

Killer Asteroid: Coming to a Planet Near You
A giant, magical meteor of unknown origins crashed into earth 70 million years ago and destroys all the dinosaurs. So what happened to the rest of the living things? How did they come back and repopulate the earth? If everything else could come back, why not the giant lizards?   I. M. Wright, Creation Scientist

Our Mutual Aunty Gorilla
I love how they portrayed the gorillas with such human mannerisms. It reminds viewers of our common ancestry with these creatures. Tarzan navigating the forest on all fours just like an ape and communicating with his “family” in grunts is a prime example of our shared roots. The scene of the leader of the pack and the rogue male gorilla fighting to the death was especially reminiscent.
Dr. I. R. Looney, Evolutionary Scientist

Suicidal/Homicidal Chopper Pilot?
The pilot flying the chopper carrying Mr. Greystoke in his search for the meteor turns back when the chopper’s instruments go haywire as they approach the “mysterious, gray fog” we find out later hovers around the meteor’s hideout.  However, when Mr. Greystoke decides to head back to the States with his family, the pilot inexplicably flies straight into the same fog that nearly took his chopper down earlier. Did the dude have a death wish?
J. Hotshot, U.S. Air Force Helicopter Pilot

In Need of a Spinal Alignment
I can only imagine what terrible spine and neck issues J.J. (a.k.a. Tarzan) must have developed after all those years of moving through the jungle on all fours like a gorilla. Never mind when he picked up and carried his four hundred pound gorilla mom after she’d been shot by the bad guy.
L. L. Popncrack, Chiropractor

Tarzan Gives New Meaning To “Jungle Gym”
Man, I loved watching Tarzan swing through the trees, roll across tree trunks, jump from tall branches and leap through the air. And pulling gorgeous babes from the edges of cliffs……  Well, all that’s a whole lot more fun of a way to get bulging biceps, a six-pack, and abs of steel than pumping iron and doing abdominal curls every day at the gym.”
M. B. Strong, Fitness Trainer

Baseball Hall of Fame Material
Anybody that can throw a rock 100 yards and take out a helicopter doesn’t even need to try out for the major leagues. He’s an automatic shoe-in!
T.Z. Sport, Baseball Recruiter

Tarzan Needs a Bath
Why would any self-respecting woman fall for a man with stringy hair and a limited vocabulary who’s an obvious stranger to toothpaste, soap, and deodorant? Guess Jane’s a sucker for a handsome (although grimy) face and a killer physique. And he keeps having to rescue her! Well, I guess that’s good enough for some girls. But, I don’t even want to think about that guy’s body odor.
A. M. Clean, R. N.

Miracle Drug Unveiled
I would really like to get my hands on the plant Tarzan used to heal Jane of the venomous snake bite. He used the same thing on the bullet wound on his gorilla “mom.”  Not only did it miraculously drawn out the poison from Jane’s body but it dissolved the bullet inside Mom and healed the wound. And all with the “spit and slap” method. If I could find that plant, we could manufacture it into capsule form and charge $100 a pop for it!
D. D. Mammon,  Pharmaceutical Researcher

Guardian Monkeys Failed
First of all, where did those monkeys come from that were supposed to guard the magical meteor? They obviously weren’t needed as nature (fog, volcanic eruption, tornado, earthquake) did a fine job of neutralizing any threats. And if they were needed, they obviously failed to do their job because our villain, Mr. Clayton, and his army of henchmen, manage to get through the “mysterious fog” just fine.”
B. Safe, Security Systems Analyst

Jane’s Dad Needs Addiction Counseling
Clayton brings in dynamite to give him access to the meteor and ties up Jane and her dad nearby. Couldn’t he just walk into the cave like all the other fools in this movie and use some heavy-duty tools to break the meteor apart? Of course, then, he’d have no dramatic way of killing his witnesses.

As they’re standing there, trussed up like pigs for the slaughter, all Janes’s dad can think about is how great it is that he’s so close to the meteor he’s been searching for all his life, the meteor he sacrificed his marriage for, etc, etc.. He and Jane manage to free themselves because for as smart as Clayton and his fellow bad guys want to appear, they apparently can’t tie a decent knot.

As nature throws yet another gigantic temper tantrum over the latest invasion of the meteor’s Holy of Holies, Jane escapes with Tarzan while Dad foils the plans for the fireworks by cutting the cables. But he’s apparently using his heroics as a cover for getting closer to The Meteor. His addiction seems to have shut down any survival mechanism that would prompt him to flee with his daughter and future son-in-law. Such behavior is typical of addicts whether to cocaine or mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I would like to bring Dad in for counseling as soon as he can be coaxed away from “deepest, darkest” Africa. If not, Jane and Tarzan may need to stage an “intervention.
Dr. C. L. Freeman, Addiction Counselor

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